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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?