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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.