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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.