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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.