Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out