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To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
I dream about naps.