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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.