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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.