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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.