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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Smooth move.........ExLax
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.