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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I like people the most when I`m by myself.