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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.