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I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.