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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie