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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I always advise people never to give advice.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Ride me like you stole me.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.