Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.