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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.