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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.