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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.