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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?