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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.