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I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.