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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.