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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
We get it poets: things are like other things
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.