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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.