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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.