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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.