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People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
High-five a veteran today.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.