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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.