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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.