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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?