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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.