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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.