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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.