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Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.