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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.