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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.