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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
My mom says I`m special.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.