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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm