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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.