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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.