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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
I’m late for a disappointment.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?