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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.