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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.