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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?