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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.