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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.