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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why Iām always so tired.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.