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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Sex, do it for the kids.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.