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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!