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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.