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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.