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Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.