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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
I’m late for a disappointment.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.