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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.